Saturday, 10 May 2008

There Be Dragons

A journal entry by Pod

In olden times, before the globe was circumnavigated, ancient maps bore the words "There Be Dragons" in the unknown and unexplored areas of the world. Dragons are scary creatures but their fire burns away the parts of you that are no longer necessary to your survival.

Last night I watched "La Vie En Rose" the story of Edith Piaf. Gosh* if ever a soul wanted to experience the agony of loss, it was little Edith with her big heart. In a final interview she spoke with an honest simplicity about Love being the central theme of her life, which was truly remarkable considering she lost everyone she loved, usually in traumatic circumstances.

I started to weep as she screamed out the name of her lover, killed in a plane crash. It was downhill from then on; the final song, "Je Ne Regret Rien" dragged me into my emotional compost heap, and I began a weepathon that has continued periodically throughout this morning.

I too am experiencing the pain of loss. The loss of my wonderful friends in England. I have been so blessed to have the most amazing people in my life, who have loved me and supported me unconditionally. My sudden decision to leave England permanently was a shock to all of them, but they never once tried to make me change my mind; instead they bravely held their pain in check and did all they could to assist me. They loved me enough to let me go because they knew me well. I know some of them miss me very much.

Because of my imminent departure, I experienced a wave of love from people who perhaps felt it was their last chance to love me and tell me how much I had helped them. It was beautiful, a bit like dying perhaps, but I was sad too because all their love was not enough to make me stay and that felt as if I was betraying them in some way.

I will, of course, see them again, I plan periodic trips back to stock up on supplies and have a change of scenery. Some will come and stay here with me; already two of them have made firm plans to travel to Kantiang Bay in the next 9 months. Nevertheless my heart knows their absence from my everyday life.

It takes some time and effort to build good trusting friendships doesn't it? You know the sort where you really listen to each other, affirm each other and love each other enough to blow away the bull**** and remember the loving truth beneath. Friendships where you have spent cosy evenings with a bottle of wine, telling each other your herstory/history, trusting each other with the contents of your emotional closet.

Some of my friends have been rungs on the ladder that allowed me to climb out of despair.

These qualities are still there in my friendships, but due to time differences, busy lives and the dynamics of ?,000 miles apart, they are not available to me in the same, easy, spontaneous way. I am living a different life with different challenges in a very different environment and I am responsible for the consequences of my choices. If I sometimes feel lonely, then so be it. That is the price I will pay. The scary part for me is that I will not be able to create that sort of friendship here in Thailand because it is such a transient place. People just move on.

It's not all roses you know. There are thorns and today I am right in the middle of the briar patch pulling them out of my heart.

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